I am a creature of habit. Aren’t we all? But this week, I’m reeling a bit. School started for T yesterday. On top of that, the hubby and B are out of town enjoying the tail end of a family reunion weekend that T and I left early. As a result, I’ve had two days of insane quiet.

Why am I complaining, right?

Because I put a lot of pressure on myself to be productive. And sometimes I’m not sure what productive means to me at any given moment. Does it mean I should be writing, grocery shopping, cleaning, handling committee responsibilities, or even simply resting? Yesterday, I gave in. After taking the big kid to school and briefly meeting his teacher, I took care of the groceries and a few other errands then allowed myself to watch a random home renovation show marathon on TV. I took a nap. I read. And I know I needed it after a busy weekend and several nights of difficult sleep.

Today, however, I put T on the bus at 7 am and then felt the yawning gap of time until 3 when the bus will bring him back home. I did manage to edit an essay project I’m working on and I changed the sheets on the bed, but now it’s late morning and I’m not quite sure what’s next today.

It doesn’t really matter if I get anything done today, honestly. Another lazy day may be just what the doctor ordered. The hubby and B return later this afternoon. B doesn’t go back to preschool until much later this month, so pool days and games of Spot It will be back on the agenda tomorrow, the little guy determining the shape of my routine yet again.

But the past two days have caused me to pause and anticipate what my routine will look like in a month when they are both in school? Granted, a preschool day is much shorter than the big kid’s day at school, but there will still be hours that are just mine. How will I determine what hours are spent exercising (remember that concept? I don’t!), writing, household managing?

Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of this no work life, something new slaps me in the face and I realize I’m sometimes still just as lost. Although I’m excited about the new opportunities this creative life I’m trying to build offers, it is also frustrating, slow and unknown. There is no road map.

So I’m working hard to embrace my inner spontaneity. At least until September when I can cobble together some sort of routine to call my own. Sorry, it’s just a habit.


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