"Real" Health Care Solutions

Dear President Obama, U.S. Congress and various pundits/think tanks/health experts:

I have to admit, I have not had the time to follow the debate about the proposed health care reform plans very closely and would be hard pressed to explain any real item it does or does not include. I apologize. In a former life, I would find my lack of knowledge on such a key issue deplorable. Today, I’m just too busy chasing a pre-schooler, gestating a new life and keeping up with the day-to-day chaos that is my current life. Sorry. I’ll get back to informed, educated and engaged citizen again soon, I hope.

That being said, I think I have a potential solution to some of the rising pharmaceutical costs in this country. It seems to me that there are a million drugs out there for diseases and ailments I had no idea existed, not to mention required a national ad campaign telling me to ask my doctors if it’s right for me. I gather this from my half hour of (ahem, morning show) news and the occasional sporting event the hubby watches while I absently flip through a magazine (by the way, I do have a “going” problem that is a “growing” problem, but I think it has more to do with the growing trampoline champion bouncing on my bladder from the comfort of my uterus than an enlarged prostate).

I digress. Back to my proposed solution. My pre-schooler could single-handedly treat several common ailments without the use of chemical intervention. For instance:

  • Birth Control – Send those of child bearing age who do not wish to currently get pregnant to wash my child’s hair and brush his teeth when he is exhausted. I can guarantee that person won’t be getting pregnant for quite some time.
  • Appetite Suppressant – Skip the diet aids and watch my child eat a meal when he’s in a silly mood. Nothing like watching him pull that half-masticated green bean out of his mouth to end a meal early or see him eat a piece of asparagus/cheddar cheese/pot roast immediately after finishing the last bite of grape popsicle or ice cream. *shudder*
  • Restless Leg Syndrome – Take my pre-schooler to the playground or the pool and I can guarantee you won’t have time to sit still and notice that your legs are restless.
  • Delusions of Grandeur – Not once you spend some time with my the-world-revolves-around-me-and-my-every-want-and-desire pre-schooler. I dare you to try putting your needs/wants first.
  • Insomnia – I’ve got two solutions for you. Choose your own adventure: 1) Come over and read every Richard Scarry book we have before bedtime to peanut, repeat as necessary. (Note: I loved these books as a kid, but reading every word on the page now? Yikes. I literally fell asleep in the middle of a sentence the other day). Or 2) Embrace your insomnia and come help me out in a few months when I’m up in the middle of the night feeding and changing a newborn and I’m desperate for sleep. I’d be happy to share some of the nighttime tasks.
  • Mild Memory Problems – Peanut seems to remember every detail of every promise made, the location of each toy (regardless of where it’s “supposed” to be) and the plot line of each and every Thomas video we’ve ever seen. Trust me. You’ll never need to remember anything for yourself again.

I’m sure we could brainstorm a few more medical uses for this kid for a fraction of the cost of a typical prescription drug. For instance, they say laughter is the best medicine. Maybe we could all skip the added vitamin supplements by eating right, exercising and spending some time listening to my peanut’s ridiculous stories, songs and logic. Or at least that’s the prescription I’m going to write for myself.

Thank you for your consideration,
High Heeled Mama

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