“And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me…”
— The Beatles, “Let it Be”
I’m pretty certain John, Paul and the gang did not mean a preschooler when they wrote this, but when I heard it again today, I couldn’t help but suck in my breath and say, “yup, that’s how I feel about peanut.”
No matter how difficult, disobedient, whiny, obstinate, or irrational peanut is in any given testing his boundaries moment, there are still spots filled with light. Spots so bright, clear and shiny that they can’t be ignored. Moments of laughter, sometimes through tears (both his and mine). Moments of pure beauty, joy, discovery, sweetness.
Even on the hardest days, I still go to bed with these bright, shiny images dancing behind my closed lids. The ear to ear grin when I toss him in the air at the pool (enjoy it now while you can, kid. In a few weeks, I think we’ll have to retire that move). A belly laugh during a tickle. A whispered, unexpected “I love you” after a game of Candy Land. A hand holding tight to mine as we cross the street. The puppy dog eyes and slightest of pouts when hoping for a treat. A snuggle in the pillows during story time.
I know he’s still finding his way on this journey of becoming a person and I’m still blindly finding my way on my journey of becoming a mother. I’m taking great comfort in the fact that we trust each other enough to have these honest moments with each other – both positive and less than.
And I hope with all my heart that when he is drifting off to sleep on those particularly challenging days, he sees a light shining on his mommy, no matter how dim it may be. Because the light that shines on him in mine when I sneak into his room before bed? Breathtaking.